I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
someone owes me an orgasm
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
