Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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