Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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