That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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