my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I can't trust your balls anymore.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
