Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
