And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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