I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
