forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
