This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
