Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
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