so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
