her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
