guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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