This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Randomize
