I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
