mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Why can't burritos get me drunk
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
