can we get nightvision for the apartment?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
