you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
