there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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