hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize