Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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