Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
