Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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