I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
