Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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