Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
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