i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
