I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
