I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
