I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
