im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize