I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
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