my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
that's an acceptable place to lick
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
