why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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