so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
You left your phone here
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