there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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