i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
