he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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