I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
