i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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