I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
