I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
