First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
