So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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