I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
