i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
