"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
