u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
