why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
