Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
