I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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