NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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