dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
