I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
