Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
