Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
