It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Randomize
