everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
