i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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