I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
