Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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