Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Sorry my hands just texted you
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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