Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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