My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize