I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
