I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i used baking grease as lip gloss
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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